brutal nicole

next?

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 05:29:19 GMT

I know it sounds sad, but the only satisfying moments i've had lately are when I'm at work, how sad is that?
I want something more, I hate being bored and feeling useless and loveless. I have such a big heart and so much joy but no one to share it with or to put effort in. I just hurts because I have been dealing with this pain for a while. I'm glad I graduated, because I don't have to hear wonderful things about others. It hurts, when you work really hard and try and do the right thing and the nice thing but things just don't work out. Or you get all dressed up and excited, but nothing happens, and every weekend is a disappointment.

My heart is just broken. It has to be sad, it is. It's been a disastrous and hard year, but I made it, and I feel like I should get rewarded for it. For working so hard, for putting up with bullshit all through they year, faking happiness when I should of created conflict, but I didn't. It's just painful sometimes, I hate wishing I was someone else, but I feel like not being me. I have nothing to live for or to encourage happiness for the future. Everyone said to look forward to graduation, well that's done, so what's next?

rock bottom

Fri, 22 May 2009 16:27:36 GMT

it's as if, things couldn't get worse, they do. this entire school year has been nothing but strings of bad luck, friendships fading, and more misunderstandings then possible. it's been full of destruction and loss, then gain and happiness. nothing makes me happy. no one cares, so therefore why should i. i feel like i never get exactly what i want. i feel like the only one who listens or will always be there is my dog.

i work really hard to do what i do, even though i feel alot of pain and aniexty all the time. i try to satisfy too many people because i want to make them happy, i'm never really happy with any situations. im lost and ive failed. ive tried really hard but no one gets it. i dont know what to do to get peoples attentions that it's not all about them, but sometimes it can be about me. that i am important and have been loyal, but nothing comes my way in return.

relationships and qualities i used to have, they have vanished. things i loved or felt, don't feel good. i can't get any lower. i really can't. i know things could always be worse, but emotionally i'm so low. i can't remember of the last night i was completely content, that everything went well. it must of been ages ago. why is it that everyone else gets to be happy and fine, but ive been out and down for a whole year. 12th grade is the hardest year, i want it to be done, and never look back.

recovery and luck?

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:21:44 GMT

yesterday was a bitter sweet day.
me and trevar went to hollywood, the avalon
to see 30 seconds to mars and be on the album
but there was a catch, no electriconics.
so we found storage at pinkberry, purchased a lock
and everything. during the whole 7 hour experience
i was paniking just wanting my precious belongings
and when we got back, it was all good. whoever got it
was extremely lucky. a man on the ride back from the subway
told me that whatever i was going through, god would fix it
and that things will be alright. i really appricated it, but wish
my emotions could of held on closer to that.

i'm trying to change my attitude and my everything around but
i just feel so negative and attached. i feel like going away from everyone
and just taking hannah or something with me.

my mind races about cheyne though. i had a dream he wouldnt respond to my
calls or messages and i found out he was with someone else.

oh another thing, he is just not that into you, actually was not the best
movie to see while you feel crumbled.

i just want to be deep deep in love again, and feel that in return and have him swept me off my feet and forget about this week.
what a rhyme.

usually

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 01:18:25 GMT

It seems like the past feelings have reaccured. It used to happen that when I wanted to do something, no one would do it, i would either end up doing something i rather not of down, or down nothing at all. This is happening lately. I wanted to go to a show tonight, five dollars, for four hours of music and nothing more, practically a bargin, cause nothing ever cost five dollars, and I feel like no one shares that same passion for my type of fun. I wish i could find a girlfriend that likes just about the same things i do or has the same humor. i've never been good with girlfriends because i always like completely different things and just do what they wanna do.

i hate fridays, they are so blah.

thats my number one prom dress. i just want someone to liven me up. and support me.

gloomsad

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 21:25:49 GMT

i honestly don't know why but i'm gloomy and sad. i have nothing positive to think about and nothing happy to look forward to. i just want to be a hermet and not leave my house. i can't even write.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 13:03:53 GMT

i think it's scary when you have dreams, and those dreams aren't necessarily about the people you should be thinking about, or the way you should be thinking about them. realistically why is it that random people we never really think about, just notice, pop into our committed relationshipped head, and make you feel guilty for these dreams that aren't real but sure do feel like it. and in the dream, you know what your doing, it feels like your cheating, people in the dream know your cheating, and no one really stops you. bottom line, scariest part, isn't all that. it's the fact that you enjoy it. you want it. it will linger on with you. and when you see the person you dreamt of, you'll feel like you committed a crime with them, and it's embarrassing to look at them, because it's silly to think about them that way.

but...i've always had a theory on dreams, and to be honest its kind of been right, in a weird way. usually when i dream of someone in that nature, or if a male is in my dream unexpectedly, it usually means, they are thinking of me first. usually. and its happened to be true. or maybe in the future they will think of me. odd.

it's loves past sneaking on you. and you want to sneak with love.

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 20:40:51 GMT

if intelligence attracts me, no more then that amuses me, why am i with someone who is not intelligent to my state. i say that i fall in love with the lifestyle, then more then the person. i think ive fallen in love once, and everytime ive said i love you to anyone, i didnt mean it, even now. i think you know you love someone when they stay in your heart, and you still are afraid to lose them, and you dont have them anyways. i used to push rafa. i used to challenge his thoughts, on why he thought we should be together. and he would answer and i think as time past, he didnt have answers. like answers dont matter to questions, but they do. it always happens, like a pattern the way i fall, im not in love, but ill get used to the person, and thats my formation of love. but im not. i think i really did fall for rafa, he was funny, talented, caring, normal, shy, fun, creative, an artist, which i have to be around, even if i wasnt with him, or didnt care about him, i remember that i would get jealous. you know you want someone, if you get jealous. i want him sometimes, i want him all the time. i would like to know though, if i want him because i want him, or because i want something else?

remindersssss

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 04:13:55 GMT

:/

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Nov 3, 2007 6:42 PM

call me, don't be shy. :)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Nov 3, 2007 5:37 PM

cause to me you've moved on
and now i feel i mean nothing to you
but its ok cause thats how life is i guess :/

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Nov 2, 2007 6:21 AM

are you scared to talk to me on the phone or something?
and why is it that all of a sudden it's akward between us?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Nov 1, 2007 8:32 PM

i suppose.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Oct 29, 2007 8:54 PM

sounds good.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Oct 29, 2007 7:26 PM

idk
whatever is meant to happen i guess.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Oct 28, 2007 5:51 PM

so what now....?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Oct 28, 2007 1:40 PM

well,
im telling you now then
Nicole D'Elia
you are my first love.
still.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Oct 28, 2007 12:33 PM

no you didnt.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Oct 28, 2007 12:09 PM

have i ever told you that
you are my first love

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Oct 27, 2007 12:22 PM

your not a bully, your a big softy who likes orange juice and playing under blakets.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Oct 27, 2007 12:04 PM

well your messin with one big kid then :]
bully of this sandbox.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Oct 25, 2007 6:45 PM

new tricks, haha, tricks are for kids.

Oooooooo gotcha there.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Oct 25, 2007 6:43 PM

pshh
girl
i got new tricks up my sleeve.
so back da f**k up
hhahahaha

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Oct 25, 2007 6:42 PM

yeah i know you tooooooo well!!!

try something else on me.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Oct 25, 2007 6:40 PM

duh that was the point
way to kill it nicole
uhg
:(
haha
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Oct 25, 2007 6:39 PM

well, you are king kong.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: king kong
Date: Oct 25, 2007 6:34 PM

what if im a gorilla?

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: nikki d
Date: Oct 25, 2007 6:29 PM

bird, im a bird.

if there is?

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 16:55:24 GMT

if there really is a monogomis state, then why has everysingle one of my "semi-serious" relationships failed because of bond lost with trust? everysingle one is because i always think they are going to cheat on me, and i honestly don't think it's because i'm that loose with trust, i think it's because men aren't monogomisly thinking ever. i don't ever think i'll get into a relationship for at least another 6 months to a year. i hate to say it, but rafa really did brake me, he made me lose all trust and capablitity to believe anything that comes out of any mans mouth. why are we constantly rushed into relationships? what is the big fuss about relationships anyways? i've always been capable of having men liking me, so why shouldn't i have more then one? yes, i hurt them in my path, but i feel like it's there fault for falling in my trap anyways, is that a fictional way to live? or is it logical? logically thinking, I never get hurt in the process, and since you only have yourself to live and care by and for, why is it wrong? if they fall into your trap, is it really your fault for giving them the wrongs signs leading them there?

honestly though, why did rafa have to go and cheat on me, deny things that i hear and continue to change for the worse? if there was a such thing as prince charming, he was it, but i think i expected to much.

i'm much better at relationships now. i just don't want to even test that out, i don't want to fail, the way i did, i don't want that pain ever. where you can't breathe and constantly thinking, it's a crazy way to live, and i had to live that way for about 3 months, more or less. some of the most painful moments brought me to my knees and stabbed me in my heart.

and believe it or not, i'm still not over it.

help

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 15:41:18 GMT

i have so much hate and rage in my heart it's crazy, i need to get away and stop.
when in actuallity i need to just talk. i hate starting drama, but it's way fucked up when your friends aren't loyal to you as they you are to them.
i feel that i'm being rediaculed out of love, and no support is given.
i'm the biggest fan of anyone they want and yet they continue to push and pull my lungs out about the guys i want, when i have never once criticized them.

on top of it it's difficult for me to fall in love, i don't need more pressure on top of that. my dreams showed my reality. how rafa says and doesn't do. it's all misfortune and fate has stepped back into my life this week and i'm glad it has because i needed some sparks to fly.

i'm so lost and hurt, when all i truely need is love.
i open my arms and heart for my friends, my home, my car, my food, my everything and they can't seem to focus on anything else besides themselves.

loyalty in the reverse can be bad, the way i see it. if you give loyalty, in return you won't get anythign back.

please tell me you have good news

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 22:46:44 GMT

i just want somethings to go back in time.
especially with him. i hate to admit it but love is the last piece to my puzzle.
i don't even want to see telaia because i know i'll get jealous.
common cortesy though. not cheyne, not jealousy, no comebacks, true things and feelings.
c'mon.

my favorite picture ever, i want that.

good god

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 01:37:14 GMT

so i'm trying to push all males away from me now, or at least the ones i know i won't have a real relationship with.
not because there worthless but just because they aren't right for me right now.
i told cheyne that i'm done with him and i am. i just don't see us going anywhere, he isn't compadable with me and we don't have a lot of things in common, sad yet true, plus he is a follower and i like leaders, i'm attracted to confidence and he don't have it.

kyle is trying to get with me and i am so not in to players, if you play the game, cya, cause i play the game, and two players never really mix well, or at least in my situations. i told myself that the next guy i kiss i want him to be my boyfriend, even if that takes forever, i'm tired of losers and speaking nonsense to boys that mean that to me, nothing.

i'm over the past and super ready for the future, and it's the first time in my life that i actually don't like someone, which is super rare in my world, sence i always have a crush on someone. but i don't.

i'm actually happy with being alone and with this decision for now. i'm not complaining and i feel like everything changed this weekend, with being with telaia and ramon, they make yu want to do whatever it takes for love and risk the loser and the just companies and throwing them away.

goodluck nick.

grind

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 06:18:21 GMT

i feel like i could write a book with all the emotions i feel.
i just want to feel love and be nervous in all the good ways.
i don't want to feel pain either, today wasn't a good day, i'm nervous for the future as always and i wish i was bravier and happier, oh and stronger.

all i can do is ask god to help me keep strength and ask him to help me with the best situations and hope that he will give me good luck and fortune. fuck i'm so confused.

i have to learn

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 19:09:19 GMT

to not be scared. please, help me not be scared and be safe.

ice skates

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 01:54:35 GMT

honestly what can you think of, about last relationship?
even though i dont want rafa in my head he is still in it.
he still breathes my name and i know it.
i still think his and i hate it.

i need to be free, break free.

you can't take things to heart

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 16:14:34 GMT

it's true, with both men and women.

i miss rafa way to much, i know what he is trying to do, he is trying to move on, but i hope my hold won't let him go.

place your bets

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 20:05:25 GMT

So today I get a message from Tyler saying that he is quitting the band. The only word that runs through my mind is the word fuck.
It's such a pain when people aren't happy in a band, and now I bet
that dylan will quit too.

burnt

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 19:29:28 GMT

what can i say, i'm confused. i'm lost and being by myself is the only thing i want right now. i talked to rafa yesterday and i feel like giving in. very much. so much.

tomorrow will be one month since i broke up with rafa. this month has been so much fun but filled with moments of pain, that were not needed.

i don't know what to do with rafa. love him, leave him? cheyne isn't the guy for me. david and me are better as friends, no matter how i look at it. i want to click with someone.

influence

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 04:31:23 GMT

it's the weridest thing how one person can completely influence your mood. how one person can change your outlook, how one person can brake everything. why does it only take one to brake us down?
kamalei is spending the night at rafa's. i had to say it.
honestly that's something that bothers me.
i'm at home, and i honestly don't mind it. i'm glad i have cheyne because then i have someone to at least kiss and be with. thank god.
i was fine without rafa till he texted me yesterday and everything went to hell. he didn't call me, go figure right? haha.
it's difficult to concentrate on others when he is right in your face.
i hate it. this is twenty times worse then nick and twenty times worse then vince and twenty times worse then rj.

twenty times worse. all i can hope is that my luck and karma is good to me tomorrow because, i want tomorrow to be a great day, overall. that's all i can pray for and that's all the strength i can be strong for.

wait

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 01:29:47 GMT

i have never felt like i'm leaving on my own, till theses two weeks.
i'm at my house more then my mom, and i even work and play, but she is still out most of the time, which is fine by me, because i like being alone and quiet. i think i have learned how to be alone. i love my two best friends hannah and sammy and i realized, god they are awesome.

right now i'm waiting for my mom to get home so she can buy me david josh and hopefully hannah warped tour tickets. i'm praying to god that they don't sell out because it would brake my heart. i want to go and just freaking hear music loud and see tons of people and be with david.

my horoscope said something good with him or at least i think him.

EPOH.

the worst

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 15:13:18 GMT

I don't think I've ever had aniexty this bad, I mean it's crazy how I can feel my heart just racing against my head, and it hurts. I want to decide certain things right now, but my horoscope basically says to let things go, and roll with everything that comes my way, which I think is the best advice I can get right now because I haven't been myself lately and that would help a lot. I don't know what's up with me and Rafa I just don't want to get hurt. Telaia leaves today, and I am very jealous of her in two reasons. She has found someone that she is really in love with, I am very happy for her, I really am :) Second, she get's to leave today, anything you feel can leave your body the seond you step into the airport, it's a great feeling. I need this feeling to leave, bye

i have never felt this type of fear

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 15:42:10 GMT

Me and Rafa are talking again, and he was texting me all last night, saying how much he missed me and loved me. It's hard to believe him in my own way, I have huge trust issues, but I'm trying to believe what he is saying. We talked for a hour and half, and that just doesn't happen if you don't like each other, or get along. I just hope this isn't a game. I want him to be my Danny. I want to go everywhere with him, but this time I think it will be easier for us. I know how to work time for my friends now, and I go to shows with or without them.

God shows just let me breathe, they really do. I feel at peace watching someone else entertain me and you have to be quiet and just relax and watch. It's a very spiritual thing, and it all started with Inmemory. It was there offical last show, and no one really showed up, which I thought was rude. Inmemory was the first band to really let me see why music and shows is so important and therputic to me.

I'm not going to be so cliggy, I need to relax. Will we get back together, honestly, probbaly, but I don't want any problems, like with Jason and Taylor. It's really werid because I never thought anyone loved me so much till I met Rafa, how time and friendship really created this ease and flow. We can talk about anything, and I don't feel bad about being honest with him. Ever.

Yesterday I was nervous for him to call me, today I'm nervous for the future. I don't want to get hurt anymore. That was the most painful thing ever, ever. It changed my life, and I'm glad it's way over. All I can say is that I hope this isn't a game. This isn't something that will drive me crazy. I need to be dependent on myself. No one else. I do what I want and everyelse is just here on my ride.

breatheless breathing

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 15:26:49 GMT

What can I say, at least he is making an effort to get me back now, or talk to me or something, he texted me at 2:44 am, saying that it was probbaly to late to call me and that he would call me sometime tomorrow. I think yesterday was a huge rhythm of fate. I liked that I was by myself, but I wish that I was more social. I have constant butterflys about Rafa, it's a combination of both scared butterflys and relieved in way butterflys. I feel like I feel. I mean, I really don't know why, but I feel really happy. It's hard giving your heart up.

I did really realize something this week, and it's probbaly something that I will constantly remind myself of, "that we are only human", it's the pure and cold hearted truth. If we ever make mistakes that's why, it's because we are human and are made to not be perfect. Just like when Rafa texted me, I needed to text him back, I couldn't just not, because in reality that's what a human would want to do.

I can't wait for Argentina, it's gonna be a blast, being side by side of Jasmin can never not be fun. All I want to do there, is dance, a lot, and stand at the corner of McDonald's and meet people.

I hope nothing bad happens, I'm trying to be good and pure, but it's difficult in such a world.

still life

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 07:03:30 GMT

I feel nervous, very nervous. So today was a day well needed, full of good excepted, unexpected surprises. So I went to Kung Fu Corner, because I wanted to, and I'm very proud of myself, I went were I wanted to go and that's how it always should be. As soon as I pulled up, Rafa was there, I was happy but still in shock. He was also smoking and my mom saw. But I told her that I have been out with worse, oh god Randy, haha.

I held Cheyne's hand to see if anything would happen between Rafa, and I would go outside, trying to give the oppurtunity to come talk to me, but he never did. I know he is scared. Me and Cheyne are just friends, oh trust me, just friends. It was good though, me and Anthony are good now. Jason and Taylor gave me continued dirty looks and I loved every minute of that.

Cheyne is nice and all but just doesn't do anything to spark up my life. He just is a good guy. Then as I was going home, I get a text from Rafa saying "I'm sorry", then another one saying "I never wanted to hurt you in any way shape or form", and then another saying "K".

I got home, took a shower, took my time, watched sex and the city and then decided to text him saying "Call then", he said "Why are you with Birkhead?" and I didn't respond and said he would call me when he gets home. I'm not going to wait up, but I do want to talk to him. So till then, be strong nicole, and be good.

trust me

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 01:05:11 GMT

Everysingle second of everysingle day, I would love to spill what I really feel for him, how he makes me happy no matter what, how even those stupid moments may come, I feel like there is sparks with every word that is spoken. I promise you, he makes me feel incredible, no matter what we do, I just want to stay, with him, near me. I wonder if he pushes me away for a reason, or if he just feels uncomfortable in a guy way. I hope that he is just nervous because he likes me, I feel like he does. One day I really need to tell him how I feel, and I feel like that time will come very close. His sister is going to start going to sylvan, and if I can talk to her, maybe there is a possiblity